13 Feb Mrs Person
2 cups milk
8 tablespoons sweet butter
½ cup granulated sugar
2 packages active dry yeast
4 eggs, room temp
2 teaspoons salt
6 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1/3 cup cornmeal
1 tablespoon cold water
1. Bring milk, 6 tablespoons of butter, and the sugar to a boil together in a medium saucepan. Remove from heat, pour into a large mixing bowl and let cool down til lukewarm (105-115 degrees – like your finger tip has a fucking thermometer built into it or something….)
2. Stir yeast into milk mixture and let stand for 10 minutes (hey, I thought hebs weren’t allowed to touch yeast – doesn’t that have some kind of chemical reaction with the golden calf , automatically cleaving Israel in half , solving the problem with Palestine and leaving all the hebs with nothing to kvetch about?????)
3. Beat 3 of the eggs into a small bowl, and then stir them and the salt into the milk-yeast mixture (this is sounding totally gross so far).
4. Stir in 5 cups of the flour, 1 cup at a time, until you achieve a sticky dough. (Big achiever….) Wipe some of it on your wall in a rough pattern and let dry. Now you have a little place on which to scratch your back. Flour a work surface lightly and turn the dough out onto it (like any jew is going to be turning out dough. i know you have it hidden in all your cake pans) Wash and dry the bowl, so as to be a little tidy susie homemaker type.
5. Sprinkle additional flour over the dough and begin kneading, Take the rest of the sticky, yucky milkie yeast doughand begin kneading, adding more flour as necessary, (Some freudian analysis of a heb. All you have to do if you knead is add flour. For us ex-catholics, we need a big penis and some party favors, but you guys just need flour. That’s so much easier and accessible in a pinch), until you have a smooth elastic dough.
6. Smear the reserved 2 tablespoons of butter around inside the bowl (oh, oh, I see, this is the catholic girl part of the recipe)and add the ball of dough (yeah, baby, add that dough), turning to coat lightly with butter. Cover bowl with a towel (some parts nobody she have to watch) and set aside to let the dough rise until tripled in bulk, 1 1/2 – 2 hours.
7. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured work surface and rub the inside of the thighs with butter…,oh, i mean, cut into halves. Cut each half into three pieces. Roll the pieces out into long snakes, 18″ long. Tell Eve that she is banished from the garden for having butter in between her thighs and so are all these little snakies. Put the dough on little wheels so that they don’t stick to the flour on the way out of the garden of good and evil. If they won’t be banished, then braid three of the dough snakies into a loaf and tuck the ends under so they feel safe and secure. repeat with remaining snakes.
8. Sprinkle a large baking sheet with the cornmeal, and transfer the loaves to the sheet, multiply them with the fishes and turn some water into why. Holy shit, another messiah at a party. Leave room between the loaves for them to rise. They are american loaves and every one gets their own apartment. it’s the american challah stickie dough snakie way. Cover loaves with a towel and let rise until nearly doubled, about 1 hour. They will then start the world bank, the IMF and the UN and try a new neo-colonial approach to taking over the kitchen….
9. Preheat the over to 350 (don’t use your finger to check this time…)
10. Beat the remaining egg and 1 tablespoon cold water together in a small bowl. Brush this egg wash evenly over the loaves. Sprinkle immediately with as many poppy seeds as will make it look festive but not negro.
11. Set baking sheet on the middle rack of the oven. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until loaves are golden brown and sound hollow when their cute little bottoms are thumped (How come you never check me like that??????). Cool completely on racks before serving with the claim, The Jews know more about bread making than you little foul mouthed christians will ever know. Go ahead, thump it’s little bottom….. That’s fucking hebrew bread baby….”