What’s Right With America (61 Things)
By Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil

1. Easy-access weather info.
2. The best movie violence and the best deplorations of movie violence.
3. Refreshing body spray.
4. World leader in alien abductions.
5. Disposable panorama cameras.
6. The sophisticated irrigation systems of our corporate parks.
7. A.T.M.’s that display loan information while you wait for your cash.
8. Satellite dishes along quiet country roads.
9. The Blue Angels, the synchronized stunt-flying team.
10. Metric, schmetric.
11. Color-coded memorial lapel ribbons.
12. Basketball on Rollerblades.
13. Most parking in the developed world.
14. Soothing white-noise generators.
15. Teal as a respectable professional-sports-team color.
16. No fruity see-through paper money.
17. Seasoned curly fries.
18. Charity collection jars at convenience stores.
19. Colorless beers.
20. “Gold” colorless malt beverages.
21. Motivation as a commercial product.
22. The ice machines in hotel hallways.
23. Basements and sheds stocked with next winter’s rock salt.
24. Snake-handling religious and couples-therapy weekends.
25. Professional ice-skating shows.
26. Sunblock 35.
27. The free toy in every Happy Meal.
28. Outstanding home-cleaning products.
29. Creek-spanning bridges named after local officials.
30. Renaissance “faires”.
31. Televised award shows.
32. Brave vegetarian attempts to simulate hot dogs and hamburgers.
33. Persistent attempts to make soccer popular.
34. “Quilted” toilet paper.
35. Children’s books shaped like their subjects.
36. Bemused farmers at urban produce markets.
37. Color-coded Post-It pads.
38. College-football games named after instruments of financial security.
39. “I Wanna Sex you Up” – the song, the T-shirt, the statement.
40. Summer bartending jobs in resort towns.
41. Cartoon-shaped vitamins.
42. Revolving restaurants.
43. The ballroom-dancing craze.
44. Hiking boots as urban style element.
45. Mixed-race TV-police partnerships.
46. Walter Scott of “Personality Parade”.
47. Rocktober.
48. Marxist graduate students in sleepy college towns.
49. Comic books that promote safe sex.
50. Watch faces customized with your company logo.
51. Small, fruit-shped refrigerator magnets.
52. Fresh breath as a priority.
53. Teen-age making out during fireworks displays.
54. Yard-specific Wiffle-ball rules.
55. “Letters to the Editor” poetry.
56. Co-workers asking the returning honeymooner how married life is.
57. Bars with year-round Christmas lights.
58. Intercollegiate solar-powered-car races.
59. Best security guards in the world.
60. Frozen-margarita extruders.
61. The Monte Carlo, the Lincoln Continental, the Seville.